Confessions

1. Sometimes I clean the house to 90's rap music. There's nothing like a little Gangsta's Paradise to get you in the mood to scrub the kitchen sink.

2. I love pickle and peanut butter sandwiches. Don't judge; they're awesome. However, not just any pickle will do. They absolutely must be dill and very crunchy. This is a great choice.

Source

3. During training for my first half marathon, one of my toenails fell off. I am not allowed to mention this around Brian. Ever.

4. I can never remember how to spell the word necessary. I got lucky this time.

5. When I was young, I thought it was such a waste of space to have a pool on a cruise ship. You know, with the ocean right there and all.

6. Ok, so this is not technically my confession, but you must know. My husband does a mean The Real Slim Shady on karaoke.

7. And for the grand finale, I have had a big crush on Tom Selleck since I was three. Yes, that's right, three. Bet you can't guess which Friends episodes were my favorite.

                                                                           Source

(You can stop rolling your eyes now, Brian.) 

Getting tribal, playing with ham, and other pearls of wisdom

Finally, this semester is OVER! I have about one lovely month to look forward to free of students, planning, and grading. Honestly, that is the best Christmas present ever. (Ahem, that is not to say that I would not appreciate say, a spa package?...) The passing of another semester means that is time for everyone's favorite, deep thoughts from the students at the ELI. 
  

Well, at least they're honest...

Three specifications that a lot of men want in a wife are respect, ethics, and money.

Perhaps Yoda was a guest lecturer this year. 

 Also, give spies the poles and car fire to go help people maybe you are let die. Before you must be don’t quick drive tailgating. 

Well I'm glad we cleared that up.                                                                            People do not get responsible by a curtain age; it is not like growing a mustache.

Because who better to take care of your grandmother than the guy who robbed your house?                                                                                                                        If criminals get a job to take care older people or orphans, it can help society and take mind off crimes, also criminals volunteer for people, they learn about love between people.

I don't know about you, but I just can't live in a society where criminals lose their confidence.                                                                                                       However, there are also disadvantages that criminals feel bad and can lose their confidence. For example, criminals want to go public restroom, but they always to go there with the officer, so they feel uncomfortable and they feel shame.

Something you never hear on House Hunters:                                                          Thus, the lactation of the city is an important reason for moving to another city.

You hunters and your egos.                                                                                      Some hunters like to show off to make people think they are smart, and strong.

No wonder I can never convince people to be vegetarian.                          Furthermore, some hunters are thing the meat from the animals or the birds have powerful for the sex, mind, bone, and muscle such as turkey’s meat has much protein.

I'm really going to have put Frazier on a budget...                                                     The price of meat is expensive compared to vegetables because animals spend more money than vegetables.

Hmm. Perhaps our students could learn a thing or two from Sesame Street about safety.                                                                                                                     First of all, people should introduce themselves do not wait another person to do it. After that, they should tell strange person their name.

Well if you didn't have a mental problem before reading this...                              Though the mental tests are very important for people who have mental problem, people who have mental problem are tested by this tests. If people who have mental problem can’t be tested exactly, they can’t be treated for their mental problem.

No comment.                                                                                                                               Furthermore, casino will create many jobs such as dealers, servicers and security employees.

Ah, the quilting life.                                                                                              Some young people seek the dream of big money or good job, and they move to some big city. Some people enjoy quilting life, and they move to villages.

Don't you think it's about time they get a title? Geez.                                               Four months ago the Untitled States government’s got one of the people who adding wrong information in a clear website.

They get tribal? Try reading the papers.                                                                    Most of the student got tribal when they researching for their papers because they do not know if the information in the website is correct or not.

Facebook only for parsons?                                                                                        Fore eyras ago I opened Face Book, and this is for any parson in the world, so I had friend in England from 1 year ago, because I was study there.

Those sneaky parsons                                                                                              Many countries have department to fix the information’s that are not correct and clear, and see the parson who add that wrong information.

Fun with paraphrasing.                                                                                       Original: large-scale prostitution emerged
Paraphrase: extensive prostitution aroused

Where were these websites when I was writing my thesis?                                         For example when student need to do research for any subject look like the internet, they should know well website to get the good information they went, such as Wakabedi, Yoho, and so on. 

Springfield - the place to be for cheap love!                                                                In conclusion people from South America, Saudi Arabia, Germany, Korea, China, Japan, Spain Italy, etc. prefer Springfield to start to study English, and to love in a cheaper way.

Wait. I have a dumb phone. Where is my massage?!                                                 Before smart phone, people use dumb phone which can only get massages and calls.

Many times this semester I wished I'd had a lap for pouting...                                 Also, the schools should have lap for pouting all computers inside.

This is just sad.
For example, when I was in England I play bowling everyday and to mouth. I play with ham sometime. 

These next two explain a lot about several of our students...                                    The second way for make a friend is work.  I had work when I was in my country. I had money friend in my country for example, I knew one friend such as my idea in the work, when the manger need me or he has a lot of work, because I am high my friend in the work. 

Also I went to trip with my friend about work.

The lost advice of Miss Manners:                                                                           Always be happy when gritting someone.

Darn those house stealers. 
 In addition, there are common kinds of crime happen frequently in Saudi Arabia. For instance, houses stealing, murder, kidnapping, teenagers steal cars, and some foreigners stay in the country illegally. 


Something you didn't learn from Law & Order:                                                      There are various crimes such as murder, rape, violence, and outrage. 

And finally, my personal favorite - an interesting solution for the healthcare crisis.       For example when people have tooth decay, the rule can change to limit the dentist to cure three of them, and then if the patient wants to cure more teeth, they have to pay for the treatment themselves.

Which teeth will you choose?  

Thanks to all my co-workers for sharing these. They keep from smashing my head into the computer screen during finals grading time. Happy Break!!  

Stop Pause Bottoms, Team Peeing, and other brilliant ideas

As promised but a bit delayed, I have compiled a selection of funny quotes/mistakes from essay grading and other random assignments from the summer semester.  Hope you enjoy.

Two interesting (and incorrect) choices from a reading fill-in-the-blank quiz - both a little frightening...:  

1. Prostitution is a challenging task among the youth. 

2. Prostitution is a basic framework among the youth. 

I just knew Shakespeare was a pot-head. 

Marihuana has been knowledge long time ago, since Shakespeare until these days. 

I can assure you, this was not happening in my class...

They are students are mating with teacher in class everyday.

Whoa there, China! Let's take it easy with that machinery.  It's all fun and games til someone gets hurt...

Agricultural machinery cannot be used wildly by farmers (in China).

I would imagine that many mothers of infants would find a "stop pause bottom" very useful...

If people want to bathroom, they would stop pause bottom, then they go to bathroom.

Seriously people, keep it to yourself, OK? 

Marriage is a personal problem.

What is this world coming to when a young mother can't even tack cake for herself?

Imagine that, how young women could take care of the baby and she could not tack cake for herself.

Hmm. Perhaps we need to grade a little harder on the "spilling". 

They grade you on your spilling and in your grammar, reading, and your writing. 

I have no clue what this last part means, but it has a nice, whimsical ring to it. 

I like room class and decoration coolers and hat nary on the will.

Ah, I see! Brian must not have "kwoned" me correctly before our marriage. It all makes sense now. 

Some people think if they marry from different cultures its wrong, because they do not kwon them before. Also, when people kwon each other they will have different cultures.

Darn. Been wasting all this time working when all I needed to do was stand outside my door!

However, most people agree that both parents should stay outside door to bring money...

You know the economy is bad when you can't even buy a drunk at the theater. 

This is another reason people don’t go to the movie theater it cost’s a lot to buy a drunk or popcorn.

Finally, a sport I would watch.

...when you will pee as a team sport. 

Those darn native Americans and their fancy textbooks.

When students study English, they need a regular textbook because they are not native American.

I know I do so much better when my test has a little seasoning. 

In my country we don’t use the technology a lot in the test. For example I did test the questions wrote buy hand, and I used in some test normal pepper I mean pepper from my notebook. 

Always wise parenting advise:

Parents should have an open communication with their children but not to tell them how ugly they are or how fat they are.

Well if I took three or four hours to get ready, I'm sure plenty of men would fall for me too. 

 Finely, I fell for some women, because they need to be ready three or four hours before the date.  

Ah, the million dollar question.

there comes up the idea of who this person did to see the movie before the premier.

Until next semester! 

5 Things

1. If the government defaults on their loans, can I default on my student loan payments? I mean, it's only fair. 

2. My friend Melody made a great point on Facebook that 100 degree days should be the "snow days" of summer. What an excellent idea. Let's start a petition. 


3. I think essays should be graded with an equal amount of effort to which they were written. Which means, I should be grading most of these finals while drinking pina coladas by the pool...I'm sure my comments will then make about as much sense as their sentences. (No, this semester wasn't frustrating at all. Why do you ask?)  


4. Why can't I stop watching The Bachlorette and The Bachelor? ? I say every year that I'm not going to watch it and I get sucked into the ridiculousness every time. That said, my vote's for Ben. I mean, he owns a vineyard in Sonoma for goodness sake. 


5. I want to be here: 

Especially after this week. But for now, I will be happy to, in about week, be in my Grandma's pool. 

That's it for now. Haven't done much cooking this week, though I did make some fresh salsa that I'll post soon. Also, it's final essay grading time so I'll be collecting some funny quotes to share later next week! 

Deeper Thoughts

After a nice, long break next week I'll be jumping back into a very full schedule of teaching and TOEFL shifts. I am determined not to let the posting fall too far behind however. It's really important to me to keep cooking and experimenting and keep the recipes coming. My garden is coming along nicely and it won't be long until I get to try and come up with different ways to use all those vegetables. Hope you're ready for lots of recipes that include squash and zucchini! 

My plan this evening is to try the fried corn recipe my aunt made when visiting her recently in Dallas. But until then, I thought it might be time again to leave you with some more Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. 

If you  ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. 

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of mass destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have. 

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis. 

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following to close.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
 

Deep Thoughts

I feel I must warn you now, if you were expecting actual deep thoughts, you've come to the wrong place. 


Do you remember on SNL when they used to do the Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy segment? This was one of the few things I ever found absolutely hilarious about SNL. I even have a little book collection they published years ago. Yes, yes, I have a weird sense of humor. It's better that we just clear that up right now. 

And now, without further ado, some Deep Thoughts. 


 To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." 

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more then some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.   

If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin. 

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up wall. 

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.  

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. 

You can all stop shaking your heads now. I'm done. For now.  

Don't Wear Clothes at Random and other thoughts

Every semester where I teach ESL, at mid-terms and finals there is mass grading of student essays and speaking tests. The students are at various levels in their English learning, and, as to be expected, sometimes things don't come out exactly as they'd intended. Thus, funny student quotes get passed around in emails, making the massive grading load just a little more bearable for us teachers. This time around, I collected the quotes from my and other teachers' grading to share with the rest of you. 

Perhaps we're all better off not knowing what students need this for...

"International students need much money for their studying. Likewise they need many things in their life like clothes, cellophane, and material for studying."

Seems a bit harsh to me.

From a SPEAK test, giving directions: 

“Turn left, then you will see the child care center in your face.”   

This explains a lot.

"International students cannot sleep one time so they look tired."

They must be reading the box for the Godiva Brownie Mix. 

"In addition, the students will see delicious taste with reading and more exacted when they do homework."    

Boy, sure wish someone would send me one after a hard class...

"For example, if some student did not come to the class and today we have a hard class, and I know this student is absent, so I send massage for him."

Smokers, this must be very uncomfortable for you...

"Also, the smokers have hard breath."

I just knew our job was dangerous. 

"There are many bad effects to come late to the class like; entrap the teacher and miss smoothing very important part of the lesson."

I do hope everyone's brain and sheep are in a good way today. 

"Moreover, there are many good advantages for sleep early like; healthier to the body, make the brain in a good way and make the sheep for the body very good."

This is just plain scary. Do they know something we don't??

"Global Worming is one of the most serous issues for our environment, our health and our economy."

   

Please,please, please don't let this person ever be in government...

"People should have the right to clean air and safe environment, and the government should stop that from happening to protect its citizens from its dangers including the fact that it is a huge risk for both smokers and non-smokers."

Always good advice...

"almost all people always wear clothes anytime and anywhere. However, I think that we should not wear many kinds of clothes at random. We should wear them selectively."

Hmm. This sounds more like a Mel Brooks movie to me... 

"I watched a lot of interesting movies, but THE WIND IS GONE is the most interesting movie which I watched in my life. The story-back-round was The War of South America and North America. It talked about a girl who name was Scali. She was a beauty, smart and independent. When she dreamed in love, the war happened.

Scali was acted by Fewenny who was a famous actress."

This just seems a bit harsh...

"If these two countries’ young people are not over the legal age for drinking alcohol and seeks by policemen, they will get the lawful educate.Therefore, the government need to solute children drinking alcohol."

Cars just get smarter and smarter. 

"cars made our life more essayer "

Well, I guess I better go ahead and eat that cupcake, you know, for safety.

"This fat can make women warm in winter and be safety when the wind blowing."

On second thought, if it's going to cause debates, perhaps I'd better not...

"The junk food is a serious disease. There are many diseases which are produced by junk food such as, obesities, high blood pressure, and debates"

Wait a second. I thought if I built it they would come? Oh darn.

"If you do not have friends, you should study hard, and they will come to you."

(I have no idea why those places are marked in white and I have given up trying to fix it - sigh.)